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In An Effort To “Spice Up” The NHL, High Sticking Declared Legal
12th January, 2007 - 3:06 pm
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By Buster Gunning

The post-strike lag continues and the League is not prepared to sit around and allow games to be played at half-capacity. In an effort to draw more fans, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has declared high-sticking legal.

“After months of research, we have determined that a large portion of our fans come out to see the hard-hits and the fights,” announced the NHL’s Commissioner Gary Bettman. “This is known as the “Gladiator factor” in which fans love to see fights and disasters. It is this very factor that keeps NASCAR in operation.”

According to the world’s most reliable source of information, Wikipedia, high sticking can be defined as: Touching an opponent or puck with a stick above shoulder level.

“With the players only allowed to swing their hockey sticks below shoulder level, they are wasting approximately 15% of the area they can strike. Today’s more ravenous fan wants to see all parts of the body vulnerable, thus enhancing the amount of serious injury to the players. It is our hope that this new rule will spice things up.”

Phoenix Coyote coach and NHL great, Wayne Gretzky, was all for the idea.

“Back in my day players took shots to the head and face all the time and all we wore were helmets made out of thin Styrofoam which was primarily made of old, discarded coffee cups. Kids these days are too soft; it is time for the boys, or girls if there are any, I don't want to appear sexist here, to grow up!”

According to the League office the rule will go into place immediately and if attendance does not pick up, Bettman is considering allowing the players to wrap their hockey sticks in barbed wire.

Send your email here to enter a contest to high-stick Buster (odds of winning are mathematically insignificant): Buster.Gunning@realgm.com

The preceding article was a piece of satirical fiction.
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